We got home and as we were stretching I let it ALL out. I almost cried I was so upset. I focused on and spoke out every fear, worry, stress - all the frustration spilled all over the floor I was stretching on, to the point that I could almost NOT get up because the floor was so slippery. (frustration is a gooey mess if you didn't know.) -- I BELIEVE in the power of my thoughts. I BELIEVE that God and the Universe will sustain my actions when I step forward in faith. I BELIEVE I can do anything I set my mind to doing when God is on my side. I do. But believing and knowing are not the same. And until I receive the successful experience of doing the thing, I don't have knowledge, I have just a belief. -- Sometimes my belief starts out VERY small and shaky. Today my belief was shrouded in my doubt and I struggled to keep putting one foot in front of the other in faith.
When I was up and getting things going for the morning I realized a battle was being waged at that very moment ... You know that familiar "2 shoulders" thing ... one side "good-positive-optimistic" and one side "bad-negative-pessimistic" ... it was SO happening.
Do you know how much energy I receive from focusing on feeding my soul and connecting to that energy world? It is MORE than I would receive if I had slept that last hour. I can't specifically quantify it, but I FEEL more able to positively live my life when I've fed my soul in the morning. Filling my energy with divine source energy makes the day easier, it makes my outlook clearer, it makes my step lighter, it allows my perspective to be higher, it gives me what I need to move forward into my divine potential and then to give love and light to everyone in my influence as I am able.
It feels freeing to really truly own my labels ... even though I know they don't mean anything, in this world, we do label. So these are mine. And now I can move forward knowing that I own ALL of me, who I was, who I am, and who I will become. It is the WHOLE of me that makes me me, after all.
I am defined by my energy and that is determined within me. I am defined by how I treat people and what I DO not what I look like. I am defined by the influence I have in the lives of those around me and not by what others see briefly as they get a limited glimpse of my life. The definition of ME is determined by MY OWN perception and that perception is shaped and fashioned after my TRUE nature ... I know that I am divine. I know that I am beautiful. I know that I am valuable. I know that I am happy. I know that I know peace. All else matters not. I know God, I have connected to that space within, and we're good so it's all good.
I have NEVER been a runner in the past, but I am shifting into being one. Today as I ran I knew that my thoughts would determine if it was really hard or if it was ok. My last run, 2 days ago, was NOT great ... I was so focused on my knee pain that I was limping the next day, still focusing on the pain, so today, I knew I needed to shift my focus into a different spot. I was sort of planning on a miracle to get me through the run. So as I ran today, I imagined each step I took, each time my foot landed on the ground, I pictured it landing on a cloud or in "Universe" space and as I stepped down on the sidewalk I pictured the enveloping arms of God catching me. It sounds cheesy, but that visualization put me into a mental state of FLOW and the run was awesome. My knees didn't hurt, my lungs didn't burn, my hips carried me easily ... it WAS a miracle.
Each thing I've encountered in my life has taught me and shaped me into the person I am today. Each experience has lifted me higher ... some because the joy that was brought was more than I'd previously known (motherhood is a good example of that ... joyful expansion) and some, because of the depth of pain I experienced and worked through which challenged me to grow (my parent's divorce is a good example of that ... it brought me to a place of extension ... I had to learn from it and grow or I would be swallowed up in it). All things can be for our benefit if we see with those eyes. There is something to learn in every experience.
There is NO limit to what you can accomplish. If you desire to do it and you don't know how, learn how. If you want to accomplish it and it is hard, work through the hard. If you think you can't do something and you keep saying "but I can't do that, that's not me" stop saying that ... tell yourself you CAN do it and it is TOTALLY within the realm of your capability.
I think there is something truly important about joy and excited anticipation and love for life and a desire to expand and learn and grow and the willingness to try new things and fall, over and over and over again with the intention to keep getting up no matter what. I think looking at the world through "childlike" eyes is essential ... looking for the NEXT thing that will bring that awe and wonder ... anticipating it arriving at ANY moment, just knowing there's magic around the corner and waiting patiently for it to come, being brave enough to let go of any worry and fear and just being open to ANYTHING, any new experience that might expand our horizon and our knowledge.
I noticed something as we sat ... with my eyes closed and the sun coming up, the lightness grew brighter and brighter and the warmth grew warmer and warmer on my skin ... ever so slightly, little by little. It wasn't a "sun up - BAM - BRIGHT and HOT" it was a gradual lightening and a gradual warming. At first the sun was only touching my face on the right side. Pretty soon it was warm enough and light enough to touch my face, my shoulder, my arm, and my leg, my foot. Within the hour we sat there, the whole yard was lit up, the whole right side of my body was fully warm from the sun, and we were turning our heads away from the brightness because it was so piercing.
I set my alarm for 4:44 am last night. Before I went to bed I told myself that the five and a half hours of sleep I was going to get would be the EXACT amount I needed to feel energized, refreshed, and awake in the morning. I said to myself that getting up would be easy and that I was so grateful for a body that could give me the perfect amount of restful sleep I needed in just 5 hours. I went to sleep. I woke up at 4:30. And I felt good. I sort of just lied there WAITING for my alarm to go off at 4:44. And when it did? I fell into a familiar pattern of thinking ... "I could just lie in bed until I have to wake the 16 year old up. I'm tired, right? More rest is good. I will just lie here awake, quiet, and still ... I can meditate that way." HA! Right. Mmhmm ... that's a GOOD idea. (<<< insert sarcasm there)
I was in a serious funk last night. And I couldn't pin point why I was, I just knew I was, knew I didn't want to be, and was frustrated with myself for being in the funk. No matter what I did, the funk continued and that frustrated me even more. When it was bedtime I was SO done with the day. I was sincerely needing the kids to just go to bed and I wanted to go to bed and get the "new day" moment in the morning. This day was a bust.