So I'm actually seeing now that motherhood has been and is an incredible gift in so many ways. The perfect gift, sometimes wrapped in really ugly paper, but lovely and amazing on the inside when you turn it around and look at it from a new angle.
THAT is was I experienced. As I breathed and allowed my body to be swallowed up in this radiant light, I understood that it wasn't overtaking me, it WAS (and IS) me. ** I am this energy. I am this vibrating white heat. I am the light of a thousand suns. This power, this light, this brilliance, this potent dynamic energy not only lies within me, IT IS ME!
You see it for what it IS. It is YOU. And you are lovelier than a perfect drop of summer dew resting on the velvet petal of a newly formed flower. That perfection exists in ALL of us. And I am seeing it more clearly every day.
Isn't it sometimes hard to accept a moment of rest? We are all so busy all of the time. I'm a mom of seven! There is ALWAYS, literally every minute of every day, something to do. And not being busy feels like a waste, or maybe a misuse of my time.
Even when I'm knee deep in muck and grind, I can catch a glimpse of something truly magnificent, and that glimpse pulls me up slightly so the muck and the grind that feels so depleting has less of a hold on me than it did.
So, in my tiny moment of awareness, I said: "I am feeling this right now. It's not my favorite. In fact, I don't like it. But it's here. And I will feel it."
My five year old asked me yesterday what is inside our bodies. "A ghost?" And I didn't necessarily have a definitive answer for him ... One that he'd understand, and that is "truth."
>>> small steps, in any direction, lead to new understanding. That new understanding is the plan ... To see new things, experience new things, breathe new air.
I do not have a fabulously flashy life. I don't travel to exotic places. I don't have a successful career. I don't live in a perfect dream house. I DO have a fabulous life though. It is simple. It is quiet. It is peaceful. And it is perfectly lovely most of the time. (mom life is sometimes brutal of course)
Life is perfect, you see. But perfection is not what we imagine it to be. It is not every experience a “good” experience. It is not everyone always happy. Perfection is not all rainbows, all sunshine, all perfectly ripe fruit, always clean, always cheerful. Perfection is WHOLENESS. It is all things working in unison. It is all parts, all pieces, all aspects of life working together in a balanced and complete way. Perfection is a FULNESS of life. Without the rain, there aren’t rainbows. Without green bananas sometimes, we can’t appreciate the perfectly deliciously sweet ripe ones. We need these experiences to understand that ALL of life is precious. And so, at this time of year, I look around and appreciate it all.
I have found the important thing for me to remember is that I AM aware of ALL of this. And that awareness lessens the sting. It takes away some of the hardness and allows me to step back and see this situation for what it is … a mental disorder that he cannot help he has. He isn't doing this on purpose. He isn't TRYING to pitch a fit each morning to make the day start crappy. He is held hostage by this as much as I feel like I am.
I am here. I am open. I am breathing in the moment and ready to exhale what comes into this space.
Here's what I've learned through it though: What's MOST important, is to truly see MYSELF.
I don't always welcome the triggering circumstances, when they present themselves, but I am beginning to see that they DO provide opportunities if I look.
I just wanted to write this letter today to tell you what's going on and to thank you and also maybe to apologize to you for some things.
Here's what I know: I don't really KNOW anything.