I travelled last week to St. George Utah, to experience a three-day retreat. It was amazing. The people were (and are) wonderful. The weather was glorious. The whole experience was perfect. I am blown away completely at how much it opened me and allowed me to experience a shift into new perspectives.
One of the moments that really altered how I experience the world was during our meditative breath work.
My experience: I was lying on my yoga mat outside on the ground with my eyes closed and my hands at my sides. The air was clear, the birds were singing, I was comfortable in my body and in this sacred space that had been created for just this purpose. I felt safe. I felt relaxed. I felt “normal” in my body.
We were shown an alternate way to breathe; in from the belly, in from the chest, out through mouth, in succession. Then repeat, repeat, repeat.
At first it felt awkward and maybe a little like “work.” It was intentional. It was a conscious way to breathe, not just allowing the body to breathe. As I melted into this “new” experience though, I noticed that I was observing sensations in my body I hadn’t before. I began feeling tingling and heat in my hands, feet and head. It felt like energy. And it continued to build and grow and expand.
I began to feel as though I had an energy ball at each of my hands and feet INSTEAD of hands and feet. The hot tingling energy had replaced those parts of my body and what I was left with was burning raging HOT sun-energy that continued to expand and brightly radiate. It grew and it grew until it encompassed my entire body, with my hands and feet and crown of my head feeling as though they were so brilliant and “full” I needed to expel that energy in some way. I felt as though I was about to explode.
I thought, for a few moments, that maybe I had actual physical energy balls in my hands and maybe I could just throw them at a bush or tree and it would release me from their hotness and vibration. Ha! That was a no go.
At one point I was so uncomfortable and the energy was so MUCH that I didn’t know what to do. It was overtaking me completely. I knew that it wasn’t actually overtaking my body, but it felt as though it would soon. The energy was so big and so great that I began to feel like maybe I was hovering OVER the ground, instead of lying upon it. At the same time though, I felt the support of the earth beneath me.
I kind of felt like I was burning up, but not in fire, in ENERGY. It was all-encompassing. It was such a high vibration that my body felt as though it had entered into an alternate place or space and it was trying to adjust. It was big … but that word doesn’t do it justice. It was INFINITE. I felt like I had entered into hot white sparkling light and it was glorious and immense and transforming … not in a bad way, just in a “this is new, this is different” kind of way.
It is hard to describe maybe, but if you’ve seen the recent movie Captain Marvel, it felt like that moment when (spoiler alert) she realized the depth of her power and that it had been hidden for so long. Once she realized this she was able to ignite herself FULLY in its bright, potent and dynamic brilliance.
THAT is was I experienced. As I breathed and allowed my body to be swallowed up in this radiant light, I understood that it wasn’t overtaking me, it WAS (and IS) me.
I am this energy. I am this vibrating white heat. I am the light of a thousand suns. This power, this light, this brilliance, this potent dynamic energy not only lies within me, IT IS ME!
As I was brought into this awareness I felt humbled and powerful. I didn’t know how to contain this amount of energy within this body. In fact, I realized that this body CANNOT contain this energy, which is why I haven’t experienced it fully up until this point. I was being gifted the witnessing of my own power and majesty … through a “dimensional portal.” (or whatever you want to call it, that part isn’t important. I like to imagine it as that though.)
I got to feel what it would feel like to tap into ALL of me. And probably that wasn’t even all of me … I imagine if I had experienced all of me it would be too much. As it was, it felt too much. I cried. I sobbed. It was too great to contain. Too beautiful. Too bright. Too lovely. Too amazingly connected … it was ALL encompassing.
This energy is EVERYTHING.
And at the same time I realized that I had been dimming my light for SO long, for what?! I AM THIS BRIGHT LIGHT?! And I have been hiding it? That’s CRAZY!!
I GET TO BE THIS LIGHT.
I get to breathe it in. I get to remind myself that it lies just beyond the here and now and I have access to it whenever I choose. It is me, after all. I get to remember the feeling of being SO tuned into All That IS that it allows me to navigate this world more easily and more effortlessly. I cannot be alone when I am in this light. I cannot be small when I am in this light. I cannot be powerless, I cannot be in lack, I cannot be afraid.
I get to be big and powerful and bright and abundant and bold and ALL the things I desire to be. That is what this light reminds me. It reminds me that I am connected to the sun! And because that is so, I have access to All That Is. It is within me. It is around me. It is me.
Yesterday I was forgetting this experience and this powerful bright energy that lies just beyond my physical senses. Today Universe reminded me that I have witnessed the glory of my own being and it is BEAUTIFUL. I get to breathe that in. I get to celebrate its essence and its power. I am that.
~ Honor, this moment.