I haven’t written here in a long time. I took a break. I did new things. I did a lot of the same things. Covid happened. Covid is still happening. Life is busy.

I notice that I go through cycles of experiencing the same things over and over, just in new and different ways. Right now I’m in a cycle of wanting to EXPAND. I keep reading things about neuroplasticity and honestly? I find that whole subject entirely fascinating. The brain and how it works, and quantum physics and neural pathways … it is SO cool and so connected and SO on the forefront of my experience for whatever reason.

There is so much to learn and so much I’ve already learned and the more I learn the more I am aware of how little I know and how much more there is TO know; like an everlasting infinite cycle of expansion.

I guess I feel compelled to begin writing here again and to dive into the unknown with myself and whoever happens to come upon this tiny little corner of the human dimension we currently find ourselves in.

I don’t even have a plan other than what’s happening this moment here for me.

I have written in a notebook the past few nights and I want to share a little brief bit about what’s been on my mind and in my awareness.

I’ve been struggling with wanting to move and grow and expand and also having really sticky habits and programming that seems so challenging to muddle through, let alone shift completely. It’s like I can see this other newer version of myself on the horizon, and she has slightly different behaviors and habits that are uplifting and helpful and valuable. And I can see the shifts that get her into that more nourishing space. And I am aware of the behaviors and programming and patterns that are ready to be shifted in my now moment that would help me move into that other space.

And yet … somehow, I do NOT show up for myself. I don’t change. I IMAGINE changing, but when it comes down to the daily choices that make the overall patterns of life, I don’t do anything new that would reorient myself. And I WANT to do things differently. But I don’t.

And I feel frustrated by my lack of willpower or something. Like … what is my problem? Why can I not do the things that would be more nourishing for me? Why am I struggling?

So I made a list. I titled the list: “things that I love that uplift me that I’m somehow choosing not to do.”

And truly, as I was writing that title nothing felt more authentic and real than the things on this list. I love them. I love the way I feel when I choose to do them. I love the way I feel AFTER choosing them. But there’s this strange disconnect that tells me they’re hard, they’re difficult, they’re too much to integrate fully, I cannot do them for long term because I will fail.

It seems so ridiculous that I have an actual list of things that support and uplift me, that I KNOW support and uplift me, but that I’m not doing because of what? Self sabotage? Old stories? Laziness? Utter commitment to be less than I could be?

Here’s what I got when I did some “free writing” about WHY this is a thing for me.

I close off to the “uplifters” because I have capped the amount of support and goodness I can receive. Because if it gets too good and I get too bright it might hurt the eyes of those nearest to me. So it is a literal defense mechanism. If I’m not too bright or too happy or too good, I’m easier to receive.

And there you have it. My life in a nutshell. People pleaser extraordinaire. It is not a coincidence that I am a middle child from a large family. That my parents got divorced when I was 7. That I spent the first 36 years of my life in a high demand orthodox religion. I have been programmed to stay small and quiet and mediocre.

And you know what? That is some profound truth right there. I feel it in my CORE that, for whatever reason and through all of these formative circumstances, I received the messaging and the programming that it was safest to be in the middle. Not to stand out in any way. So I put a lid on it. Always. Couldn’t be too happy, or too much or too this or too that or successful or joyful … there was a necessary safety mechanism in my system that required me to stay just under the radar.

And I could go on and on about why and all the myriad reasons that I am this way and the specific examples and stories and blah blah blah.

None of that really matters. It happened. I am here. End of story.

The mattering part now is, how do I want to move forward?

Am I willing to be the witness and participant in reorienting my programming to be more about nourishing and supporting and SHINING? Because you had better believe I see that shining star of a being as a very near potential version of myself. And she is not far off from here.

Neuroplasticity … I am excited about this topic. And I will write more about it soon. It is part of my story moving forward. I know that much.

I also know I feel like I’m ready to shift. I feel the desire within me to invert the upside-down thinking; to shift my perspective.

I am here for this shift. I believe it’s time to move forward.

Honor, this moment