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191 | Our 21 Year Relationship

I have been married 21 years.

I have LOTS to say about that. And actually, this past year I’ve had many conversations about relationships, and all the moving parts of relationships and what that looks like and how to fully navigate that part of life.

Relationships are meant to be dynamic. That means they are constantly shifting and changing and progressing. There gets to be movement. There gets to be shifting into clearer and more fulfilling experiences and beingness.

And when we think we have it all dialed in and everything’s good to go, we find out that’s not the case at all. It’s never dialed in. There’s always room to grow.

Relationships require us to CHOOSE IN; constantly and continually. And choosing in is an active process. I cannot just sit within the relationship and expect it to grow. I must actively participate. I must ALLOW it (and in turn, those within it) to shift and move and evolve. Relationships WANT to grow. They are living moving things … Unique energy.

Relationships ask us to set aside expectations and judgments and to open our hearts to being seen and to seeing clearly. I get to be vulnerable and truly seen. You get to see me.

We’ve been married 21 years today. And a lot of those years I allowed my unconsciousness to seep into the relationship and to cause “static” energy. No movement. In fact, I think I didn’t even really know that there COULD be movement, or another way. I just thought, this is the way relationships work. I’ll be fine. I’ll stick it out. That’s what we do.

I didn’t understand that a relationship is a unique energy that, in its purest form, is ALIVE. And “alive” things grow. If my relationship wasn’t growing, then it wasn’t fully operating at its maximum potential. When it is, it’s a beautiful gift. When it’s not, it turns into a challenge and a struggle.

This past year my husband and I have had the opportunity to open our eyes to the reality of what our relationship was, what relationships CAN be, and to begin to merge the two together.

It has been hard and painful; tears have been shed and expectations of what we thought would be have been challenged and looked at. It’s also been beautiful and humbling and unifying; expansive.

We do not have the same relationship today that we had one year ago. It is a completely new thing. And I’m appreciating that it is this new thing, because it’s lovelier than I could have imagined.

It took both of us; our willingness to set aside pride and judgment, and our openness in allowing things to shift. And that’s not easy! Twenty years of existing a certain way … Shifting away from that is A BIG thing. But doing so allowed us to see that it could work in a new BETTER way. It wasn’t a “bad” relationship before. But we were being invited into an evolved NEW relationship.

One thing is certain, the underlying foundation must be, “there is love here.” Always remembering that there is love present has helped us in the harder times. And it was not easy. But it has been worth it.

I know that this relationship will continue to move and to shift and to have new life coming into it because we are committed to allowing it to be a dynamic thing.

I read an article a while back, and forgive me for not remembering the reference, but it talked about relationships. And how each person within a relationship is a whole being. And when two whole beings come together, it creates a third entity; a dynamic relationship.

And the premise of what I read was talking about 1 + 1 = 2 … And how that’s not accurate, because when you add two things together, it creates a third thing, the relationship between the two things. So 1 + 1 actually = 3.

I don’t necessarily think that math is going to catch on, but I do know that I believe a relationship is its own thing that requires us to treat it as such.

A dynamic relationship says, “I exist because two came together to co-create LIFE. Within this relationship space there can be heaven. All I ask is that the two of you meet here understanding that love is the doorway and unity is the key. And when you come together as one, you have the opportunity to create something magical. But in order to reach the door you must understand that you are whole all on your own. You must be ONE. When TWO come together with that understanding, it creates this dynamic relationship. Two whole things, meeting at the door.”

This was an interesting concept for me to learn. But I have seen how empowering and liberating and surprisingly unifying it can be.

I don’t need another person to fill me with anything. I am not half of a thing. I am a whole thing all on my own. I am ONE. That means when I am triggered, it’s mine to work through. Yes, there are others who can support me, but at the end of the day I get to work on my stuff.

And vice versa.

You are not half a thing. You are whole all on your own. You are ONE. That means when you are triggered, it’s yours to work through. I can stand here in support of you, but at the end of the day you get to work on your own stuff. And when you are triggered, I don’t have to be threatened by that. It’s not me, it’s you. I get to love you, breathe with you, and allow you to work through your shit.

We still always have the basis of understanding that love is present here. This is IMPORTANT to remember. Remembering that makes the whole process of this unifying dynamic relationship world work.

I know I have more to say about this. And if you’re honestly interested in learning about what I have learned over this past year, message me. I love to share my truth.

Today, I sit here on my anniversary and feel deep appreciation for this relationship we have discovered. I’m appreciating that I get to be a whole sovereign being. I’m appreciating that I get to watch my husband discover that wholeness within himself. And I’m really loving the interplay between the two of us as we more deeply dive into our own wholeness, and then meet together in this unifying relationship that is so much, now, about enjoying each other. It is truly a gift.

Twenty one years. And I feel like in some ways it’s been forever, and in other ways we are in a brand new relationship beginning anew. I love it.

Thank you Matt for receiving me just as I am. Thank you for letting me receive you.

~Honor this moment.

1 reply »

  1. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on your marriage. Glad it is happy and growing, just like you guys.

    I, too, had heard that it should be considered a third entity, which also needs care and nourishment.

    What else have you learned?



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