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Forty Five. Hanging With Zombies.

dreams_quote_4Well, being sick for 8 days really puts your life on pause.  Yesterday I woke up, after all those sick days (and I was really sick) and something just clicked or shifted and I knew I was better.  I’m still not 100% but I’m so vastly improved that I feel great.  I’m thrilled to be me again!

I had a dream one night while I was sick.  I can’t remember all of the details right now … there was a house and some remodeling being done … there was a large courtyard area and a barn on one side.  In the courtyard area there was a lot of green grass, in fact, “green” was the main theme or color I remember from the dream.  I also remember being there but not really there … I was watching. 

Green in dreams symbolizes hopes, sensations and the spring; new growth and new beginnings. also renewal.

The remodeling was happening on the house and it was a big job with lots of guys working.  But no one seemed to know what to do.  They weren’t getting real direction so they were all just sort of doing what they thought they were supposed to do, but it wasn’t working well because they were not working together.  So it was sort great-life-quotes-thoughts-trip-enjoy-baggage-best-nice-goodof “discordant” … (not in harmony with the work … it was going against the flow of how it should go)

Someone had cut the carpet way too big for the space and they were all trying to shove it in and it was obviously not working and they were all frustrated and just sort of standing there baffled … I looked on and thought it was strange that they hadn’t measured and that no one was working together.

Outside of this, there was the courtyard.  It was a large open space between the house and a barn; the house and the barn were not connected but sat sort of perpendicular to each other.  When I went out into this space and looked there was a large family.  This is a family I remember from my childhood.  A really fun, happy, playful family … I watched as they all played together.  They were painting something, but had stopped to have a paint fight.  They were throwing paint and laughing and smiling and having a really good time.  Everyone was running around and looked really happy.

I saw this same scene, the family playing together, over and over.  It stopped and replayed maybe 4 or 5 times.  The difference in feeling from the discordant workers to this happy family was huge.

The whole time I was in the dream I felt like I was learning something.  I was aware that I was dreaming.  I was conscious of the fact that I was watching these scenes … I was there, but not a participant there.  And as it all unfolded I was looking for a lesson in it.  I would call this “lucid dreaming” … I have these frequently.  They usually teach me something I need at the time in an interesting way.

So at some point I wandered back behind the barn.  It was really green …  there was grass andpastures rolling hills as far as I could see.  I was walking toward the front of the property, toward the house.  As I passed the barn I looked into the windows and saw 3 zombies.  This is interesting because the dream had been totally “reality” based so far … nothing out of the ordinary.  But then these zombies show up.  I have written about zombies before … I haven’t dreamt about them again from that dream until now.  And like I said before, I don’t watch or read zombie things, and so it’s not a regular part of my life in any way, which is why, when they show up in my dream, it feels so weird and random.

So I saw the zombies sort of tearing apart a room in the upper portion of the barn, it was a big barn with 2 levels.  And until this point I was just an observer in the dream.  But when I looked at them and registered what they were, they stopped and looked at me and I knew that they saw me and they were going to come chase me.

I got scared.  I wanted to start running but my legs were going really slowly.  In fact, I felt like I couldn’t really run.  I thought that if I could scream loud enough all the guys remodeling the house would be able to come and help me and so as I saw the 3 zombies round the corner at the  back of the property and I was “running” very slowly, I mustered awake-buddhaup all the sound I could to scream my head off.

And a half a second before I let the scream loose, I had a self conscious thought.  Something that felt a lot like those thoughts I’ve frequently had over the course of my life right before I want to do something but I am scared of looking dumb, stupid, ugly, ridiculous, wrong, like a failure, etc. … it felt a lot like “but what will they think?” … which, in this zombie context, doesn’t even seem to make sense.  If 3 gnashing zombies are chasing you, you scream for your life and HOPE “they” hear you and think to come help you.

So the zombies are chasing me, I feel like my feet are in mud and I can’t outrun them, I want to scream my head off so someone will come help me, but as I’m going to scream my thoughts of failure and inadequacy paralyze me a little bit and the scream that comes out of my throat is pathetic and tiny and not helpful at all.  And I’m aware of this whole scenario and the thoughts that went through my “lucid dreaming” mind.

Which is why, as this happened in the dream, it made me stop and the dream stopped and I thought about it.

Here’s what I learned from this weird not random dream:  I care too much what people think, and I need to let that go.

10056-ah-yes-the-past-can-hurt-but-the-way-i-see-it-you-can-eitherI have always been a “people pleaser.”  I feel like my entire life was formed around wanting to make others happy.  Which in and of itself isn’t a bad thing … but it was frequently at the expense of what I felt was right in the moment; what I wanted to do, what I wanted to say, or what would have been best for me.   In essence, I have taught myself (and when I say “I” … I just mean that my life, my experiences, my response to them, what I learned growing up, etc.) to not trust what I’m feeling and to care about what everyone on the outside needs, says, and does more than my own instincts.

There’s a little part of me that doesn’t trust myself.

And even as I write this another little part of me is saying “but you’re supposed to care about everyone else first.  But you’re supposed to give and serve.  But you’re supposed to make others happy.”

Yes and no.

Yes, I should absolutely be thoughtful of others. Yes, I should always be mindful of the world around me and especially the people in my influence.  Yes, I DO want to make others happy and fill their needs as best as I can.  Yes.

But no, I don’t have to sacrifice my beliefs for that.  No, I don’t have to give and give and give without thought for myself.  No, it is NOT the way to listen to another first before listening to my within.  No, what others think doesn’t define who I am and if they think negatively of me it doesn’t really mean anything to me.  No, everyone else doesn’t know more than me for me.  No.

It is OK to be me, and to just be that.  It is ok.

It is good to be different.  We are each 100% unique … if I’m exactly like someone else then have-faith-believe-in-yourselfI’m not me.  It is good to just be me.

I AM capable.  I AM able to do good things and make good choices and I SHOULD trust myself!

Obviously I’ve been making choices for a long time.  And almost always, especially in the past few years, I do what I feel is best and right and exactly what I feel I’m being inspired to do.  So this is not a matter of me making terrible choices and feeling like that needs to stop.

This is about me owning ME.  This is about deciding today, this moment, that the only “voice” that matters to me is the one that inspires me to love more, and to judge less and to see beauty in the world.  The within is more important than the without.

Who could know me better, tell me what I need more than God?  There is no one that could.  And God is not outside of me in the voices in the world.  God is within peacefully inspiring me to love more and to judge less and to see the beauty of existence.  God inspires me to peace and joy.

And so I am deciding today … this moment … to scream my head off in warning of the zombies.  Well … I’m not going to actually scream.  And there aren’t really zombies per se.  And my “warning” is really more of a … “look at this truth!”  But for all intents and purposes … that’s sort of “screaming my head of in warning of the zombies.” 🙂

So here’s my “scream of warning.”

Not out of fear.  There is no fear here.  Not to get help.  I don’t need help.  I have what I need.  But I do want to help others who might not know they also have what they need.  So I will be vulnerable and own that I have cared too much for what the world says and I’m done with that.  And I am choosing to just be this.  This is me.  This is who I am and I love it.  Inspiration comes and it flows through me and I feel it and it is peace.

If you don’t know who you are, if you don’t trust yourself, if you don’t see that what others think you need means nothing because they don’t know the unique makeup of your soul … look within.  Find that space that is God … love, joy, peace, flowing universal energy … find that.  Connect to THAT.  And THAT space is the place where you’ll find what you need.  That is where you go for help.

98d4aef167fbde780851661c13bd969bScreaming outward in fear doesn’t help.  But turning inward in love to the one space that CAN help you find peace is the answer.  Always will be.  Whatever you call that space within you doesn’t matter … just connect to it.  Feel it flow and the peace that envelops you in that connection will bring the answer you are seeking.

I still want to make others happy.  I do.  I desire to help and to serve.  But I know that I can do that AND still be me.  I don’t have to worry about what others think of me when I know that the only voice that matters is the one within me.  It is freedom to understand and know this.  If the energy that is love and peace is flowing through me, and I feel it and I know it and it is ever present … I know I am exactly what I should be and I will be inspired continually to do what is best.

That’s all that matters.  Let the zombies come and let them gnash their teeth.  I understand now that they have no power over me.  When I’m at peace within nothing can disturb that, nothing can take it away.  It just is.  And it is awesome.

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