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135 | What I Would Like My “5 Years Ago” Self to Know

Listen here >> https://www.podbean.com/media/player/iikwr-63f459?from=yiiadmin << to this blog post.


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I haven’t blogged in a few days. It’s been a week? (I didn’t look, I’m just guessing.)

I’m trying a “new” thing. (well … it’s not necessarily new to me, I’m just focusing on it with renewed excitement!) I’m trying live my life “in the moment.” So being present in whatever presents itself and making choices each moment that are in alignment with THAT moment and who I desire to be.

That means that I haven’t blogged. Not because I don’t love writing, but because lately I’m focused a lot on my kids and our home and LIFE. I’ve been working out everyday, I’ve been keeping the laundry DONE, which with 9 people in the house is no small feat. I’ve been going on walks and baking things and sewing and getting stuff together for the kids and their needs. It’s a job! A job I love though.

I find that when I’m very present, life is easier. I’m not focused on expectations – what I’m “supposed” to do. Those aren’t real anyway. I’m not focused on ANYTHING before now … the past is gone so it doesn’t do any good to dwell on it, and all the lessons I learned from all that I’ve done before this are stored up within my being anyway, so those I can “recall” whenever they’re needed. They just sort of become part of me and I don’t have to focus on them to use them.

And what is GOING to happen? I see no reason to dwell on that either. I don’t KNOW what it will be, and I am CERTAINLY not going to worry or stress over “what ifs” … so I find that I can live the present moment, sometimes I can dream, imagine, and hope for beautiful “to come” experiences, and I can just focus on what IS here.

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Life is much easier for me when I am focused on what IS. When I’m truthful about what is before me, even if it’s not the most desirable experience, it allows me to deal with it in a real way that helps me learn from it more quickly. When I have learned the lesson, it “goes away.”

Does that mean the experience is completely gone from my life?

No. It’s usually still there … but my altered perception OF the experience changes it completely.

For example – this is an internal dialog from who I used to be and who I am now. 2 very different perspectives of the same life:

Honor 5 years ago – “I care what others think. I should “fit in” right? I compare what I’m doing, thinking, saying, with what others are doing, thinking, saying. If I see another who looks like they’re “better” than me, I worry about not being enough, not doing enough. My worth is tied to what I do, so I always need to be doing more, living better, being stronger, trying harder, and checking all the boxes on all the lists that tell me I’m a good enough person.

“When I see other people I judge them based upon how they look to me. I don’t really understand fully that their outward appearance means nothing, so I look at what they do, say, wear, how they live, and judge them based upon all those lists that tell me a person is good or bad. The same lists I judge myself by of course.

“What I do, quite often, is determined by how I think others will perceive me. It matters what others think of me after all. I would not like someone to have a negative opinion of me. That would destroy me and take away some of my lovability.

“Circumstances are often beyond my control. It’s quite possible that when “bad” things happen it’s because I deserve it. I am constantly tempted to do stupid, lazy, bad, negative, unhelpful things because I’m weak and not capable. My life is filled with stuff I can’t change and I hate it. I like to worry about it. I like to focus on the things that “make” me feel bad and worthless. I don’t understand that no one and nothing can make me feel anything … I choose to feel what I feel …

“I live my life on the edge of worry, stress, comparison, judgement, and appearance. I think I know that those things aren’t helpful, but I don’t really know, otherwise I would not do them. I think I know what freedom is, but when you’ve never been free from those things, you don’t understand what a heavy burden you carry.”

Fast forward 5 years and MANY life lessons.

Honor now – “I don’t care what others think. I should most definitely NOT fit it. Fitting in? What IS that anyway? I am unique! No one is like me. I understand that what I do, think, and say, is being exactly who I am (I try to be authentic all the time anyway) and I hope to allow all others around me to be authentically unique as well.

“My worth is unchangeable and unalterable and NOT tied to what I do. I am enough because I exist. My nature IS. I can’t do anything to change what I intrinsically AM … my soul within me is like my DNA … it is wholly me with no changeability.

“When I see other people I understand that they are as unique and worthy and amazing as I am and I treat them as such. Their opinions and life choices don’t change me or my choices and so I can allow them to be who they are without feeling threatened in any way. I understand outward appearance means nothing anyway … what matters is what is within – the soul – and as I’ve learned, that is unchangeable.

“I make all my life choices in accordance with what I believe and base nothing I do off of anyone else’s beliefs or how they’ll perceive me. I don’t care what I look like to the world. I am true to who I am and that is all that matters. I know that as I live my life with my highest self in mind, I will be exactly what I “should” be and that is my only job.

“I love life. I learn from every experience that comes into my awareness. I use kindness and love as the tools to “teach” my children and those around me how life can be beautiful and lovely and free. Whether people believe as I believe matters not to me … everyone is allowed to have the life they choose.

“I understand today a freedom that I didn’t know 5 years ago. I feel today, an ease and a lightness that wasn’t there before. I see more clearly than I ever have and it has brought peace and joy to my soul. Greater than I’ve ever known.”

This is a really accurate portrayal to be honest. The “5 years ago Honor” wouldn’t have been that self aware of course, but looking back that is how I thought. Truly. It’s sort of a bummer … but life lessons!! Yay for learning and growth!

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So … has anything changed, in my circumstances now that I’ve “learned the lesson” from these experiences? No. Other people still exist. Other people still have thoughts and opinions and differing beliefs. There are still check boxes and lists that I could use to gauge my “worth.”

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The only thing that has changed then, is that I see from a different perspective and it has FREED ME. I learned valuable life lessons from what I’ve experienced and that awareness and learning allowed me to move away from the heavy burden of expectation, stress, worry, comparison, judgement, etc. and brought freedom, lightness, and joy.

But nothing has changed in my circumstances. In fact, today, I would venture to say MORE people think negatively of me and my life choices than ever. But I just can’t seem to care.

I am who I am and I love who I am. The peace that I experience on a daily basis tells me that my soul agrees with how I perceive and live in this world and that’s the only thing that matters.

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If I could tell my 5 years ago self anything it would be that in order to grow there MUST be change. Things have to shift and alter and expand for there to be growth. If your perspective is the same as it always has been … not expanding beyond where you’ve always seen … then you’re not growing. And that’s ok if you don’t want to grow. It’s ok to choose to plant yourself where you are and just live life with a limited perspective.

I personally desire growth and expansion. It has been enlightening and joyful to do that in my own life. I allow all others to choose for themselves though, so do what you will.

I will say that expanding upon beauty brings GREATER beauty.

Expanding upon joy brings MORE joy.

Expanding upon understanding brings greater understanding and it is a beautiful thing.

honorthismoment – #100somethings – 41/100

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